Sunday Night

I was sitting with my bed buddy, Jasmine Kitty, browsing through some of my favorite blogs, and blogger buddy Deborah had this sweet Sunday Evening idea...so I thought I would join her!  A good way to start the week!

1. Name someone with the same birthday as you. 
Mama Fox.  My Epiphany sister.  Love you, Mama Fox!

2. What has been your favorite age so far? 
 Ask me in another 20 yrs!

3. Where did you meet your husband?
  During a singles meet up at church.  He just would not stop following me around.  Go figure!

4. How many children do you have?
 Four yahoos made especially for us!

5. Have you ever sung in front of a large number of people?
 Yes, when I was young and foolish.  Never to be repeated again.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about the opposite gender?
I noticed Jeff's eyes, and his permanent smile...his lips curve up at the corners. Yum!

7. What really turns you off? 
One time wonders who try to make a comeback.  Seriously...get over it!

8. What do you order at Starbucks?
Hot Chocolate  Yeah, I know, pathetic.  Not a coffee drinker...but give me a fancy cup of coco any day.

9. What is your biggest mistake? 
Attempting to watch my first episode of Dr. Who mid season/story.  Totally overwhelmed, lost and            a bit freaked out!

10. As a child, what did you want to grow up to be?
I really don't remember.  I was too busy wondering if I would...grow....up.

11. Say something totally random about yourself.
I am fascinated by Brangelina.  It's an illness, I know.
I have been seeking treatment, but so far, nothing has worked.

12. Do you still watch kiddie movies or TV shows?
Um yeah.  All.The.Time.
Jeff and I used to watch Speed Racer together.
He still loves to watch Leave it Beaver!

13. Did you have braces?
Unfortunately...no.  Desperately need them.  Will never have them.

14. Favorite Social Network?  
 fb..I have tried to give it up...but the cooler months suck me back in.

15. What is the most romantic thing someone has done for you?
Jeff, New Years Eve, 1994.  At midnight, he told me he did not want to start the New Year without being sure we were gonna be together forever.  Had no idea he was going to pop the question.  Hands down best moment of my life.

16. When do you know when it’s love? 
When you still like him after 16 yrs of marriage!

17. Do you speak any other languages? 
Yes, we have a secret language we all use around here.  If I told you what it was...I would have to kill you.

18. Have you ever been to a tanning salon?
Unfortunately, yes.  Fair freckled skin and tanning salons do not mix.

19. What magazines do you read?
Family Fun.  World.  InStyle...just to be sure I am behind the times.

20. What is playing on your iPod right now? 
I will rise...out of the ashes... rise.... gee, what is that guys name?

21. Have you ever ridden in a limo?
Yep.  Made out in one, too!

22. Has anyone you were really close to passed away? 
Yes.  Jeff's father left us a year ago...Nov. 30th.

23. Do you watch MTV?
 Last time I watched it was when MJ died.  Billie Jean's not my lover...
All time favorite video....Take On Me!

24. What’s something that really annoys you? 
Blogger.  The never ending saga of signing in...trying to leave a comment...and not being able to do so.

25. Which television show were you sad to say goodbye to? 
This is why I love re-runs.  We don't have to say goodbye.

26. Can you dance? 
Nope.  Not. At. All.  Do I like to dance?  Yep.  Just call me the world's most embarrassing mom.

27. What’s your favorite place in the world? 
My bed.  Enough said. 

28. Have you ever been rushed by an ambulance into the emergency room?  Nope.

29. If you could meet anyone (dead or alive) who would it be? 
Mother Theresa. 'cause I wish I was more like her... George W Bush.. 'cause I have lots of questions and I just feel the need to chat.  My Grandpa Jim....'cause I never met him and I am incredibly curious about what he was really like.  And so help me, I had better meet my buddy,  Tanya someday...soon.

30. If you could change one thing in the world for your child, what would it be?  Honestly...that my kids would be somehow biologically connected to us.  There is nothing I could ever do to truly relieve the anguish that they feel from that disconnect.  I thank God every day for who they are, and how He made them, and how He knit us together, how He will use these things in their life somehow...and that we are spiritually, eternally one in Christ!  But how I wish I could ease their pain...somehow.

Wanna play along?  Leave me a comment and let me know....I'd love to learn more about you!

Enough

It's been a long, hard day, and my patience has worn thin.

I got nothing left.

Nothing.

The yahoos are antsy and rubbing me wrong.

So I issue a decree:

Clean up or no movie night.

I give each a specific job and set the timer.

Off they go.

Kiki finishes in record time. 

I pat her head and toss her into the crib.

I wait.

It is very quiet.

Too quiet.

I walk towards the bedroom.

As the door opens I gasp.

Stuff. 

 Everywhere.

I mean

E v e r y w h e r e.

My lips tremble as the angry words bubble up in my throat.

The green pillow is the final straw.

It is dangling from the curtain rod

Taunting me from above.

I gurgle as I imagine the destruction if it actually slipped from it precarious position.

The shelf with the cds.

The precious moments trinket celebrating Mae's birth.

The sweet jewelry box full of treasure.

Li catches my look, and knows to hide underneath the covers.

I hold my breath.

God help me.  Please God help me.

I am too tired.

Way. too. tired.

Li peeks out.  She misunderstands the silence.  She unknowingly tippie-toes right over the cliff.

"Did you make the popcorn yet?"

What?  Popcorn?  Are you kidding me?

P o p c o r n?

My head spins a full 360 as the rot gushes out of my mouth.

Why do I say this stuff?

What good does it do?

Why do I fall back into it over and over and over again?

I give myself a time out.

The whispers start. 

 I am useless.

I am not good for them.

I am no good for Jeff.

They should all be with someone else.

Someone with a healthy body.

Someone more patient.

Someone more tolerant.

Someone with more energy.

Someone with fingers that can cut up veggies.

And stronger arms that can scrub the sink.

Someone who can clean the house.

or someone who does not get grumpy if the house is a mess.

It has been a long time since I have heard these whispers.

But they are there.

They are convincing.

I know I need help.

Somehow I manage to text a dear friend.

Someone I trust.

Someone I can be honest with about how I feel, and I know she will not judge me.

I know she will pray for me.

I know she will be honest with me.

I type it out.

Bare my soul.

I am afraid to hit send.

But I know I need help.

Off it goes.

Mae is standing next to me

She puts her hand on my shoulder and asks me to check her work.

Her hand on my shoulder.

Mae had her hand on my shoulder.

A few weeks back Jeff and I were having a lively discussion about the eldest yahoo.

She can really get under my skin.

When we need to address a certain behavior, she will inevitably do or say something that sets me off.

If Jeff sees me floundering, he will try to signal me to back away.

He will flail his arms.  Tap a table.

Stomp a foot.

He looks a bit like a traffic cop.

Or a dog trainer trying to get an unruly pup to obey.

Sit Ubu, sit.

Good dog.

It does not work.

I end up ticked off at him, too.

I asked him to stop with the flag signals and just come alongside me and put his hand on my shoulder.

He scoffed at me.

Now I am sure no one would be compelled to come any where near me when I am shooting off my mouth.

I imagine that would be the last thing Jeff would want to do.

But I asked him to give it a try.

Stand next to me, with your hand on my shoulder.

It helps me feel like you are coming alongside me.

To help me along.  Find my way.  Get on the right path.

Ya know, it works?

I melt.

I melt at his touch.

I feel safe.  Like I am no longer in this alone.

Not only did it help me.

It helped Jeff.

And it helped Mac.

When Jeff stands next to me, with his hand on my shoulder, he is supporting me.

Like we are a team.

Mac needed to see that.

She needed to see her parents working together.

Anyway, back to Mae, standing next to me.

I am beyond help, just sent that text, and Mae is next to me.

Her hand on my shoulder.

Mom, come check my work.

I melt at her touch, too.

The room is spinning.

Please come, come check my work.

I shuffle down the hall, and into the room.

Everything is in it's place.

Except a package.

It's wrapped in a baby blanket.

There is a note attached.

"Sometimes you make me happy and other times you don't so read through it and try to be more patient."

Tears.

I love my Mae.

I love my Lord.

I love how He works.

How He works through her.

To work on me.

I unwrap the blanket.

This is what I find.

More tears.

This is my old hymnal.

From college.

Suddenly the phone rings.  It is Jeff.  He is calling from far away.

How are you sweetie?  What's going on?

I cannot speak. I hug the hymnal.  I am overwhelmed by God's presence.

Overwhelmed at His care for me.

Astonished at His timing.

Mae is breathing next to me.  She leans in to hear.

Her fragrant curls calm my soul. 

Are you ok?

How did he know?  I melt at Jeff's voice.

So sweet.  So reassuring.

I am not alone.

Yes, I say. I am ok.

 But he knows better.

Do you want to talk about it?

No, not now.  Not right now.

It's all too much.

I cannot speak.

Later?

Yes, later.

Long before I knew Jeff.

There were lonely nights I would sit at our organ

and peck out the songs I loved with my goofy fingers.

I used to sing as loud as I could.

The words would soothe me.

I did not know what the future held for me back then.

I honestly thought I would be gone by the age of thirty.

I thought my body would just be done.

It would give up.

And God would take me home.

Now, I never dreamed I would have the life I have.

No. Way.

But that is a different story.  For a different time.

Back to Mae.

I turn the hymnal carefully and rub the cover.

Just the feel of it softens the hurt.

I finger through the pages and show it to Mae.

Pick one, I say.

We will learn it together.

She sits at the piano and starts to finger the keys.

A few tries and she's got it.

I peck away at the harmony and she is delighted.

And we sing...

Her eight year old voice just reaching the notes

My middle aged alto rasping along

My faith has found a resting place

Not in device nor creed.

I trust the ever living God

His wounds for me shall plead.

I need no other argument

I need no other plea

It is enough that Jesus died

And that He died for me.

Mae's voice strengthens as she comprehends the words...

Enough for me that Jesus saves

This ends my fear and doubt

A sinful soul I come to Him

He'll never cast me out...

My heart is leaning on the Word

The written word of God

Salvation by my saviors name

Salvation through His blood.

Mae is swaying by now, bound together with the music

 and her Lord...

My great Physician heals the sick,

The lost He came to save,

For me His precious blood He gave,

For me His life He gave...

I need no other argument

I need no other plea,

It is enough that Jesus died,

and that He died for me.

I look at her and see...

Pure joy.

There is no doubt in my mind now.

No whispering voices any more.

Just the pure powerful word of God

and the sweet song of Mae.

It is enough.

Going Without

For the last two summers these two have experienced amazing adventures in the Canadian Wilderness.

They were excited about going again this summer.

But God had a different plan.

I'll let you know more about that next week.

Today I am counting the hours and minutes along with the blessings.

161. Jeff and Mac

162. The Yahoos

163.  Air-conditioning

164.  Quiet play time

165.  Smart phones

166.  Neighbors

167.  Grammy visits

168.  Weekly Lunch with Patty

169.  Sprinklers

170.  A Good Book



One Hot Day....

and ten more to add to the list....

151. lots of purple cone flowers

152. old college buddies that come for a visit

153.  old college buddies that breathe new life into a weary soul

154.  looking back and seeing how far you have come

155. An evening shower after a hot day

156.  cookie dough ice cream

157. Jeff's hummmmm 

158.  one true love

159.  today

160. I AM

It's been too long...

Time to start counting again.
I need to give thanks in the midst of the good and the bad.
It's a rambling list...

141.  Hot summer days, so hot you cannot breathe.

142.  Giggles from our littlest yahoo, and she stalks me from behind.

143.  Sobering discoveries that lead to repentance, healing, and eventually, independance.

144.  Purple cone flowers.

145.  River running across pebble, sand and stone...

146.  One lone catfish that makes the row worthwhile

147.  Silence.  Complete and utter silence.  A gift from Jeff, just for today.

148.  Freedom

149.  Another day

150.  A frog.  In a cave.

God's LOVE...

Today we met and the question was,
"Have you experienced God's love?"

HAVE you REALLY experienced God's love?

DO you experience God's love?

REALLY?

And of course, we chatted about the day we "met" HIM, that day where the blinders fell off,

and the light streamed through,

and we knew the love of Christ fully, completely.

But in the day to day, HAVE we experienced God's love?

Can we say that we have?

Do we really KNOW HIS love?

And I smiled, because I knew, just when.

Yes, I have.

Yes, I do.

My mind went back to 15 years ago.

Do you see him?

See his face?

See him looking at me?

The one in the corner.

That fresh, handsome face?

When I walked through the doors,

And started down the isle,

and saw that face...

I knew.
I saw His love, in his eyes.

Those eyes followed me all the way down.

They never wavered.

They never wandered.

They stayed right with me all the way down.

And I knew.

Those eyes have been with me ever since.

Through all the good stuff.

Through all the heartache.

All the illness.

All the joy.

All the tears.

They have never wavered.

They have never wandered.

And every day I look into them.

I know I am loved.

By the ONE who made him.

Just for me.

Yes.

I have REALLY experienced God's love.

Endless ways...Endless gifts...

71. his eyes

72.  his permanent smile

73.  Wedding photos that record the memories

74.  Monday afternoons with Patty

75.  Grandmas and Grammies and Nanas

76.  My favorite sweatshirt

77.  Birds chirping even though the winds blow

78.  last minute offers to babysit 

79.  Family Bible Study

80.  voice mails from my favorite buddies

Under the Trellis: February

This is the trellis Jeff built for me for our 5th wedding anniversary.

Yep...It's ten years old.

Cannot believe we have been married that long.

15 years.

Mac took this pic last week.

I wanted to take a pic of it at least once a month.

To keep a record of the changing of the seasons.

To document the life that comes and goes around that trellis.

I forgot to post January's pic.

Here it is...

Pretty quiet.

It was a typical cold blustery January Day.

You cannot tell right now...but as the weather warms up... lot of action takes place around that trellis.

The yahoos tend to hang out right there...for lots of different reasons.

Here's Mac and Mae playing dress up.  They were having a tea party.

I invaded the fun and had them pose for me.

They seem so little, don't they?

The yahoos tend to hang out right there..

They like to chat with the newlyweds...or play fetch with their dog across the gate.

The trellis turns into a makeshift garage for all their "vehicles."

Or it might be home "base" for a game of tag.

It will be fun to document the comings and goings on around:

The Trellis!

Just another day...

I awake to my morning cup...

he pulls me up

I sip it down

as he strokes my head.

an hour later the weariness fades

I find him feeding the rest...

he just amazes me.

Day after day.

He grabs his phone

in a rush

and stops right at the door,

remembering, he draws me close...

and yahoos turn away, giggling...

Every day. Day after day.

Some days drag and some days fly

the yahoos and I

piece it together

until...

the sun hangs low in the western sky

and the weariness creeps in

We hear the dear

familier sounds

that greet us every day

day after day

at the end of the day.

and the yahoos cheer

craziness ensues...

He is home.

*tears*

I am so glad

he is home.

Endless Gifts...

they keep coming.  everyday.  amazing.

51.  happy horn honking...

52.  that HE holds onto me...and not the other way around

53.  newlywed neighbors to remind me of the beginning

54.  another week growing with Li

55.  Kiki's "woooo hoooo!"

56.  poppafisherman's warm apple crisp and homemade ice cream....yum

57.  e-mail invites to dine...that pop up at just the "right" time

58.  the hope stored up in heaven...

59.  the coffee... that is "cafe," and the giggles that erupt

60.  the miracle that for some reason God made me the wife of poppa fisherman and the mama of FOUR yahoos...

Blessings in the snow...

As we are waiting for the snow...we are warmed up remembering all that HE had done...

41.  winter winds while safe inside

42.  Li's blanket, fresh out of the dryer

43.  home made laundry soap

44.  the calm before the storm

45.  movie night with the yahoos

46.  a fresh bowl of popcorn

47.  2nd chances

48.  Jeff's "hmmmmmmmmm" that makes my heart flutter

49.  Li's cartwheels

50.  Li's favorite song...over and over and over again!

Sacred Silliness...

We howl with laughter at the joke we just created.

No one else would understand it.

I think of it now and it makes me grin...to see him behave in such a silly way.

Just like him.

A full grown man, embracing the little boy that still flourishes inside.

That little boy drives me insane some days.  Ok...a lot of days.  And I sit now and wonder why?

That little boy brings me joy in the midst of such pain.

What a gift that grin is to me.  That deep, rumbling chortle that bubbles up from inside his middle aged belly.

Oh, I like him oh so much!

It still shocks me that he choose me to do this with...

live out the days,

worshiping God,

playing house with all these kids.

What a blessing.

I am so glad.  HE choose him.  For me.

Reflections of 2010: Part 1

I have been thinking a lot about this past year.  2010.  It just seems like A LOT happened in 2010.  A LOT of hard things, and a few wonderful things.  I guess I am trying to make sense out it all. And these things...these hard things and wonderful things all seem to be connected somehow.  I think.  I am asking the Lord to show us what He is up to in all of this.  I guess I am kind of thinking out loud, and bringing you along for the ride.  If you dare.  So here we go.

Yahoo Number Three (LiLi)...came to us from an organization called Safe Families.  At some point I'll share with you more about this amazing kid and all the Lord has taught us through her life.  Quite frankly, she has been a hand full, and a year into her life we thought we may had reached our kid limit.  Actually, Jeff was done, and I was fretting about it.  I do not ever feel like I am done.  But in the summer of 2009, we felt the Lord calling us to trust Him in all things, started working with Safe Families once more.  We once again opened our home to these little ones who need a safe place to stay for a bit.  And I was in awe of my husband.  Opening up our home again was, for him, was a huge leap of faith.  He was trusting the Lord would provide us with everything we would need, to care for the yahoos we had, and the yahoos who may come for a visit!

Last March we were asked to care for a 9 month old girl for a few weeks.  After a few months went by, it became apparent that birth mom would not be able to care for her, and by July of 2010, we were being asked to become guardians of another little sweetheart. Jeff, who had been saying all along he would NOT add a forth permanent child to our family, was befuddled. We were in over our heads with yahoo number three.  How in the world could we manage this?

But God made it clear that this little girl needed a family.  Birth mom even went through the heartache of seeking extended family for help.  It became clear there was no one.  She wanted us to be the guardians. She asked us to keep her.   Jeff, ever my hero, decided that walking in obedience to God's word....loving those in need and taking care of those who cannot care for themselves, was what he should do, even though he felt as though he did not want to do it. He walked in faith, in obedience, even though it was difficult, and not at all what he really wanted to do.  Complete and total obedience.  Sheer faith.  Doing what he was asked to do only because it was the right thing to do.

You see, before yahoo number four came along, we were struggling with patience. Jeff and I were really struggling with how we were responding to the three yahoos we had been blessed with and the craziness that is our household. We were raising our voices and just loosing patience much too quickly.  It started affecting the kids.  THEY were screaming and shouting, too.  Not good, right?  Jeff and I would even say to each other..."We can't live this way.  This isn't right."

Now, Jeff is one of those laid back kind of guys who just kind of reacts to life as it happens. He is a pretty willing guy.  If you have something that needs to be done, he will probably do it for you. But he has not been someone who purposefully and actively looks for ways to serve or lead. He does not like to make decisions.  He just serves as he goes...know what I mean?

Do you have a hubby like this? 

Laid back.  Easy going.  Funny.  Adorable.  Indecisive.  And honestly...kind of hard to....follow.. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE so much him.  He is open hearted and willing.  He is always helping someone, somehow.  It's just...he helps in a one-day-at-a-time kind of way.  And the days just seems to race by.  It's not really like the blind leading the blind.  It's more like an aimless happy helpful wandering goose leading a gaggle of goofy gossipy geese.

Funny how FOUR little yahoos can shake up that mentality a bit. Adding that fourth yahoo put us in crises mode.  The decibel levels hit an all time high.  Our level headed preteen suddenly became a hormonal mess.  Yahoo number two became an vicious victim.  LiLi learned how to use words as a weapon.  And Kiki, the new addition, discovered the fine art of whining.  I have to say, she is our most "pathetic" yahoo.

What in the world were we going to do?  There was no way to ignore the situation anymore.  Just "responding" to every incident was NOT enough.  It was ineffective.  We hit meltdown.  I remember sitting in the car, listening to all the girls bicker.  Jeff lost his cool. I started to sob.  He pulled over.  I remember trembling, wondering if I should actually say what I thought.  The words puddled out of my mouth..."I do not want this anymore.  No more, God.  No more."  The girls were stunned.  Total silence.

Something HAD to change.  Jeff grabbed my hand and started to pray for us...all of us...that God would help us walk in love and kindness.  That He would change us, change each one of us, into selfless loving lights in this dark world.  It was a start.

I started praying more fervently for Jeff.  I started begging God to help me know how to help Jeff.  I pulled out my copy of  "The Power of a Praying Wife."  A book that walked you through the power of praying scripture for your husband.  A book that encouraged you to see your husband through the Lord's eyes.  A book that encouraged me to come alongside  Jeff so he might fulfill the role God has given him, in our family, in our church, in our community, in our world.

Jeff started to pray more fervently with me and to work purposefully, daily, on how he was speaking to his kids. He started holding me accountable and seeking the Lord in ways I have never seen him do before....so persistently...so lovingly...and in a way that makes me want to be a better person, a better mother, a better wife.  When a skirmish starts, the man is there, patiently guiding the perpetrators through the motions.  What would be the best way to react?  How could we do this better?  What would the Lord say about this?  How can you show kindness in this situation?

And my favorite...(not really)
Kat, STOP!  STOP talking.  It is doing no one any good!

I have to say....I have always adored my hubby...but my respect for him has grown so much over the last 6 months.  Watching him trust the Lord with all these things makes me feel safe.  It makes ME want to trust the Lord, too.  Watching him become more of a Godly man makes me want to become more of a Godly wife.  A wife that can come alongside him, and help him. 

And you know what?  We are all learning how to talk to each other.  We are all learning to listen to each other.  We are all learning how to work through conflict.  We are all learning to "be of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on ONE purpose." Phil. 2:2
We are learning to...'do nothing from selfishness or vain conceit." Phil. 2:3

My girls are beginning to..."regard one another as more important than themselves..." and "look out for the interests of others." Phil. 2:3-4

And Jeff, my dear sweet Jeff, has been a living example of..."working out his salvation with fear and trembling..for it is God at work in him, to will and to work for His good pleasure." Phil 2:13

Poppa Fisherman

I love this picture of Jeff. He is in his element. He is doing his favorite thing, in one of his favorite places, Quetico Provincial Park, Canada. To Jeff, it is as close as you can get to heaven on this earth.

Jeff is a fisherman. When he is not working hard to keep us warm and fed, he is playing chef, educator, family man, friend. He is an amazing man, and we are blessed to have him as the head of our family.

And because we love him so much, we either join him in his favorite hobby, or send him off to indulge in it as much as possible.

It is such a big part of our life, we even keep up a separate blog about it!

poppafisherman.